I'm not Crying, I'm Cleansing.

I don't want to feel that I need to 'cleanse' anymore, I want to sit in my spiritual, emotional and digestive shit. Yea. Pretty gross but I'm tired of feeling that in order to see changes within myself, I need to rid my body all the negative energy and physical waste. I'm tired of re-emerging. Every time I go through something, whether it'd be a bad break up, weight gain or sudden mood changes, I go through a body clean up. I start blasting Adele, drink masses of water, enroll in a new class and sweat...ALOT.

This time I'm going to do things differently, I'm going to start listening to my body. I give myself restrictions because I fear that I might over binge or overload but I think I have pretty good discipline. I'm sick of thinking that if I don't control myself, that I'll go crazy. I don't think that is necessarily true. I'm an emotional being but through creative outlets, I've found balance.

I'm really sensitive and trying to hold back the urge to cry when I'm upset is very difficult and when I do, I feel self-defeated like I wasn't strong enough to deal but when I think about all the situations I've been in, crying was one of the best things I did. I realized that it's that last moment, when you blink and nothing follows the last tear. When you're huffing and puffing because you're lungs can no longer stretch at full capacity and your head and sinuses start to pound; knocking sense into you, one beat at a time and like the green line on the monitor, after the heart has been at rest,  your mind in chorus screams:

FUCK THIS. FUCK THIS SHIT. FUCK YOU. FUCK EVERYBODY. FUCK THESE SHEETS. FUCK THIS HEAT.

And when you're done cursing out every atom in existence, you go on your way with new self-generated wisdom-- and honestly that is the best type of wisdom. See, the more you listen to all that watered down/ cliche bullshit your friends try to feed you, because they lack experience of their own its like feeding Splenda to your soul.

When my mother speaks and passes me down her advice like recipes, I'm instantly hungry. I realize that I am her solider. When someone breaks my daughter's heart for the very first time, I hope to assemble the pieces together with words my mother recited to me,

A man can never love a woman as much as woman loves a man. You know why? Because women are maternal; the genesis of their existence is nurture and love

Remember that porcelain is fragile but very valuable. A good person will handle it with lots of love and care because they know how much they're worth.