The Bucketlist

Wow. I haven't written in a really long time. I should know better. I'm like a volcano; my thoughts build up like gas and when the volume is too much, I explode.  My words are like lava and they sting. I had a few blowups at work and at home within the last few weeks. I had to really come down on one of my staff recently and it really stressed me out. Gave me anxiety for days.  This particular staff member hasn't performed well within the last couple of months and when I heard he had done something very inappropriate at work, I blew a lid. I've been frustrated ever since and I can't handle situations without being so emotional about it. I'm trying to "contain" my emotions and keep composure but that requires keeping my thoughts in which then leads  anxiety, stress, agitation, frustration-- BOOM. Danessa went cray, again. I'd love to break the cycle, somehow inherit the patience of Ghandi and move on with my life but I can't. My emotions are the beginning and the end of me.

For a long time I've been saying that I'm in the midst of quarter-life crisis. Turns out that was just the warm up. It's for real now. I feel like I'm at a point in my life where I can literally go in any direction I want. Sounds liberating right? Except it isn't liberating. Its fucking overwhelming. If I could make any sense on how I feel right now, I feel like a piece of clay; a piece of clay with a conscious and I'm surrounded by a bunch of hands. I know, it's a super weird analogy and re-reading it makes it sounds like I'm about to get raped? But it's literally how I feel so the clay analogy is a done deal. Feel how you want about it but I guess I can elaborate.

I want to do many things with my short life. Many things. Too many things. I have a bucket list over my desk that was once good enough but now it's too small. I want to make a second bucket list and finish the first one before I'm 30. Why the pressure? Believe it or not but the world is a big place. Not within the scope of the universe, but within our scope. As much as I'd love to explore the universe, I've accepted that from the scorching center until the last thin piece of the atmosphere, I am bounded to the limits of this earth and I want to see, feel, hear, touch and taste it all. I want to be the Super Woman that does it ALL. I look at my list now and the item that sticks out most is " Be old and be satisfied". It makes me wonder, will I ever be satisfied? Is it human nature to never be satisfied at all? Satisfaction that is not permanent is toxic. It becomes addictive because when our needs/wants are constantly changing, we can only be truly satisfied for just a moment, and how could you be satisfied for just a moment?

 I want to go back to school. I want to travel the world. I want to open my own business. I want to get married. I want to be somebody's mother. I could go on with my list but this a good start. The last two give me the most anxiety. As much as I know I would be a loyal and loving mother, I'm afraid of how much of that is going to change me.