Over it.

Men are so fucking lame.

I've lost all hope. And I don't mean that in the boo hoo why won't anyone love me for me?! type of way, I mean it in the FUCK THIS I will never understand the constant the need to sticking a  dagger into a hole-blood-pumping warmth for the rest of my life and I don't fucking want to. Sorry, I don't think I'm biologically capable of understanding especially since I've spent most of my life preserving, protecting my hole-blood-pumping warmth.

So why am I so fed up? Because I don't get it. I really don't. When you're with someone who loves you unconditionally, who loves you in the light as well as in all your darkness, who is loyal to the t, how could you still think the grass is greener on the other side?  26 years in the sun, planted in soil of good ol' Dominican love, never quenched for a drop of water. I think that I'm as green as it gets but   I'll never stop someone from walking into a pile of hay.

Some say that men are just as insecure as women, feeling below par about almost everything from their relationship to their jobs. That's why at the end of the day,it doesn't matter how perfect their partner is, an insecure person will always look for a piece of sweet cheese for their egos. Even if I had a soft side, I can't muster empathy for this. I can't. Being the insecure person that I am, in contrast, my morals are solid dude. SOLID, just like the ground underneath my big ol' pile of grass. I'm not that selfish.

But not all men cheat. Women are guilty of this too. I've seen it happen. But when I love, I love deep. I'm strong enough to deal with a 100 heart breaks but I just don't feel like I deserve it.  I'm going to start loving myself, as if I was my own partner; feed my soul bits of sweet cheese but not for my ego.

At this moment, I don't think I want to  get married. I've met my share of happy couples but they're
a dying breed. I just don't think that  people are meant to love and have sex with one person for the rest of their lives. Our interests and tastes are constantly changing. Especially during this curious age, people want nothing but to discover. My wants are constantly changing too. I don't know if I can love one person forever but I will always be loyal. That will always be true. My love is disciplined.

Getting married is like taking an oath, break it, and your entire character in shambles. I don't want someone to be with me and later feel like they're wearing chains, though the feeling is inevitable.

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The Bucketlist

Wow. I haven't written in a really long time. I should know better. I'm like a volcano; my thoughts build up like gas and when the volume is too much, I explode.  My words are like lava and they sting. I had a few blowups at work and at home within the last few weeks. I had to really come down on one of my staff recently and it really stressed me out. Gave me anxiety for days.  This particular staff member hasn't performed well within the last couple of months and when I heard he had done something very inappropriate at work, I blew a lid. I've been frustrated ever since and I can't handle situations without being so emotional about it. I'm trying to "contain" my emotions and keep composure but that requires keeping my thoughts in which then leads  anxiety, stress, agitation, frustration-- BOOM. Danessa went cray, again. I'd love to break the cycle, somehow inherit the patience of Ghandi and move on with my life but I can't. My emotions are the beginning and the end of me.

For a long time I've been saying that I'm in the midst of quarter-life crisis. Turns out that was just the warm up. It's for real now. I feel like I'm at a point in my life where I can literally go in any direction I want. Sounds liberating right? Except it isn't liberating. Its fucking overwhelming. If I could make any sense on how I feel right now, I feel like a piece of clay; a piece of clay with a conscious and I'm surrounded by a bunch of hands. I know, it's a super weird analogy and re-reading it makes it sounds like I'm about to get raped? But it's literally how I feel so the clay analogy is a done deal. Feel how you want about it but I guess I can elaborate.

I want to do many things with my short life. Many things. Too many things. I have a bucket list over my desk that was once good enough but now it's too small. I want to make a second bucket list and finish the first one before I'm 30. Why the pressure? Believe it or not but the world is a big place. Not within the scope of the universe, but within our scope. As much as I'd love to explore the universe, I've accepted that from the scorching center until the last thin piece of the atmosphere, I am bounded to the limits of this earth and I want to see, feel, hear, touch and taste it all. I want to be the Super Woman that does it ALL. I look at my list now and the item that sticks out most is " Be old and be satisfied". It makes me wonder, will I ever be satisfied? Is it human nature to never be satisfied at all? Satisfaction that is not permanent is toxic. It becomes addictive because when our needs/wants are constantly changing, we can only be truly satisfied for just a moment, and how could you be satisfied for just a moment?

 I want to go back to school. I want to travel the world. I want to open my own business. I want to get married. I want to be somebody's mother. I could go on with my list but this a good start. The last two give me the most anxiety. As much as I know I would be a loyal and loving mother, I'm afraid of how much of that is going to change me.

Spiritual Gumbo

I can't really express how I feel right now but if I were to sum it up into one word, I guess I would say that I don't feel grounded. I know that I am sitting at work, with my right elbow firmly pressed into the table but I don't feel fully aware. As I'm typing this, it almost feels like I'm looking through a shell. My soul, which is my true self, feels so tangible inside my body. It has density. I'm familiar with my surroundings but I do not want to be here because I feel vulnerable. I feel as if my soul has 'shrunk' inside my body,occupying less space than before. It no longer feels like a perfect mold--instead I feel spaces in between; the small gaps between the lining of my soul and body. So when I picture it this way, it makes sense to me why my perspective has change; why I feel like I'm walking around with a blanket covering everything but my face and everything, even this monitor that I'm looking at has a dark but subtle halo around it.

I don't know which part of me is speaking. I'm speaking of the soul like its a separate thing but the mind=soul right? The more and more  I think and reflect on myself, I don't think its the same thing. I believe that the soul is an individual spirit that fills our body and works inseparably with the mind. Without uttering a single sentence, the mind is verbal and loud within our bodies but the soul does not speak in the same sentences. Instead, it gives us feeling, instinct and passion. When it comes to love, you could survey a million people and get a different answer every time. What is love? How could you describe love? Is it a feeling? Is it a state of mind? Is it an emotion? Without trying to be cliche, I've asked myself many times, what is love? and I've really tried to think of a physical description but no matter how hard I try, I can't stop myself from describing actions or feelings associated with being in love ( happiness, undivided attention, anxiety etc...). The thing is, love is part of the soul; That's how the soul communicates. Passion, instinct, love, faith--everything that we feel but can't scientifically describe is how our soul beats and speaks to us. When I'm traveling somewhere unfamiliar, I often go in the wrong direction. I'm usually stubborn  and let my instincts lead me in the wrong direction but even when I'm totally off, I like to think that in someways, I might be going in the 'right direction'. I mean why else would my instincts tell me to go there? Whether it's danger or pleasure, I think my soul yearns for balance and whatever gravitational pull that brings me there is the countering balance that it yearns for.

Maybe I was a tree in my past life. I dunno but when I look at the sunrise, the tides slowly coming in , the mountains sun bathing by the lake or a giant field filled with bright green grass, I feel something vibrating within me, inside my chest-- where my core/soul resides,somewhere between my rib cages.

Thankfully I have this blog because it's really hard trying to talk to someone about this. I think that most people don't like talking about their spirituality because they haven't truly defined what the 'spirit' actually means to them. In this day and age, religion is such a touchy subject and frankly it makes people uncomfortable. Besides differences in faith and corruption found in some religions, I think most people are incapable of expressing themselves freely-- beyond the conventional spectrum of emotions. We express ourselves, myself included, in ways that has been taught to us. Ladies and gentleman, that's why we need poetry in this world. Call it what you will, whether it's in art, literature or in speech, poetry is a free, natural and genuine form of expression. How many times can you say that you're sad to someone? How could you say that my way of feeling sad is the same as someone else's?  The reality is, you can't.

I think we 'd have better sense of who we are if poetry was less of an art and more of a language. We wouldn't strive to be original and mutually understand that even though we are each individual and distinct, like the fingers in a fist, we are inevitability, inseparable to a much bigger whole. That being said, I need to get back to work.

Orange You Glad that I'm Talking About Food?

The more I work and think about my future, the more I think about my ideal setting. Here's what I've come up with:

I want to live in a place where I can buy or pick the food that I want without having to think about where it comes from. I want to eat an apple, celery or dairy without wondering how it was raised or treated. America isn't exactly the poster child for 'natural' living but  the growing obesity problem has led to a booming and profitable 'organic' market. Here's my problem with organic food, how could you fully measure, with your own senses how 'organic' something is. If you pick up a regular orange in one hand and a 'organic' orange in the other hand, how would you know that the orange is organic besides having the label guide you? To some extent, you can literally say anything is organic.

Yo. I got your organic pencils right here.

When you sell organic food items by the masses it needs to be certified. It's kind of nice that we have a system that sets standards for organic food but the more and more I think about it, I get frustrated. Why do we live in a world where we have oranges and 'organic' oranges? What the fuck does that even mean? That there are two different types of people that want to grow oranges and only one of them doesn't give a shit about getting pesticides and chemicals into your body? What kind of fucked up shit is that? Here's what's happening to our food market: by introducing the word organic, we've broken down food into classes based on the quality we presume them to have. I'll use oranges again as a example. An orange, which cost less than a organic orange, is presumed to be less 'healthy' because it's grown with pesticides, chemicals and god- knows- what to keep it fake, bright, and orange for a very long time. A health-conscious person, such as myself, would buy an organic orange because its presumed to have more health benefits. No chemicals. No cancer. MO' LIFE. But why do I have to shell out more money for healthy food-- essentially, why can't organic oranges be regular oranges? If the government can regulate the amount of alcohol that we drink, the cigarettes we smoke, and the marijuana we buy for "health" risks, why doesn't the government enforce laws that would force the agriculture to be healthy, safe and accessible to everyone?  Because we eat too damn much. It seems like there's always a new study about the appropriate amount of food we should eat. One time a day, three times a day, six times a day. Who has time to think when, what and how should be eating? How did our ancestors eat? I tell you how they ate: WHEN THEY WERE FRIGG'N HUNGRY. Dassit. We have regulations because of our obesity problem. I digress but I will say this, I try to be mindful of what I eat but I can't sit and calculate the amount of food I'm going to have a day. I eat when I'm hungry and when I do I try to be as health-conscious as possible.

I want to own a farm. It's in my blood. My grandfather raised cattle, chickens, goats and farmed plantains, mangoes, avocados and all sorts of herbs. Since I've gone vegetarian I don't think I'd kill any animals but I'd love to raise pigs have them as pets/garbage disposals. They're so damn cute.

I can't be too sure that I'd prevent any cancer or any illness in the future, it maybe already too late for me to undo the damage but I just want to live the rest of my life eating good food--food that's not just healthy because they're  chemical free but because they're planted by hands that had endless amount of love and compassion for life in general.

Idenity

I don't know. I don't really have anything to complain about. I'm feeling pretty grateful about everything and everyone in my life. Sure, things are probably going haywire everywhere else in the world but everything feels likes it's all mending in a big pot of a good ol' stew called "Danessa's life". Though not much went on, I could say that I had a pretty good weekend attending to myself , thoughts, cleaning, getting my nails done, karate and spending good ol' quality time with my boyfriend. We've been together for almost a year and things just feel..genuine and hassle free. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't all that easy, we've hit a few bumps along the way but by adjusting. getting accustomed, and having a  mutual desire of being together, I feel like we've come up with a best possible equation of making things work.

Things are  pretty awesome with my parents. I'm finally able to help them out with finances and somewhat guide into retirement. The thought of them retiring though, brings a great deal sadness. Luckily, it comes along with just enough happiness that allows me to function on a day-to day basis. It's not that I don't want my parents to retire,  I actually want them to retire right now but if they do, they're headed straight to the motherland. I'm. Not. Ready.

Most of my family lives in D.R. I have some family throughout the tri-state but we've drifted so far apart over the last couple of years that we only really see each other during big family events. My mom, dad and sister are really the only family I  have.  I'm usually at my boyfriends place most of the time so I don't see my parents as often but I'm so accustomed to the feeling of them just being "there"-- physically and emotionally being there, that I'm afraid of losing that feeling forever. It might sound silly but there are some things I know my mom will always do for me, no matter how she feels, like making ginger tea and lemon when I'm sick, cook a big bowl of sancocho when she knows I'm coming home, or pray for me when I'm trying to ace a test or go to a job interview. My parents don't have much but when it comes to the emotional and supporting aspect of a parent, they make me feel wealthy. 

Not sure when they plan on moving but I know the separation will be as painful as wax. Last night, my mother and I had an interesting conversation about our  actual ethnicity. If you know anything about Dominican history,  the race itself is sort of interesting. When you compare Dominican Republic to other nations, the country is fairly new. Its only been around for 200 years. After 500 years of power struggles, Dominicans have different ranges of Spanish, French, African and Taino descent. My mother told me that my great grandfather was a refugee from Italy and had settled in DR with his family when he was seven years old. My great, great grandmother (from  my grandmother's side) was a refugee from Spain who also came with her family.It's got me really thinking:

Where do I really come from? What kind of blood am I carrying? Does it harness my passions?

I think I found a new mission.

The Natural Order.

So I've come to realize that maybe somethings aren't meant to be. I emailed Penn State about a week ago to see about visiting their campus and inquire more about their graduate meteorology program. They told me I could come visit anytime and to email them my transcripts. I went ahead and and scheduled a bus trip through Mega bus and emailed them my transcripts but then I received an email short after that I didn't have sufficient math and science credits for their program.

WAAA WAAA.

My first reaction: Cry. Let those iddie bitties out. No shame in crying. It's not like it was your dream or anything to study the weather...

After some thinking, maybe it was a sign. Maybe it's not my time to go back to school, could be the reason why it's been so difficult all along. The timing is all wrong. So I've relaxed and mentally laid out all my goals and plans. I'm excited to say that I'm finally saving up to buy my own place, hopefully within the next year or two. I'm getting the hang of things at work so maybe I'll stay longer than I intended. I signed up to become a fitness instructor through this free program run by the city's park department called"Shape Up". I started classes last week and I'm honestly super excited to start teaching next year starting January.

AYYYY DON WANNNA BE ANYTHAN' OTHER THAN WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO BE LATELEY

It's weird but I feel like I've mellowed out lately. On all aspects. I've been working out less, been less stringent on food,  I've  been satisfying my cravings a lot more. I wonder if it's the equinox again bringing balance... It's either that or I'm subliminally trying to prep for the holiday meals. I swear it never fails but every year around this time, I gain 10 pounds. All I think about is food like I'm ready to go into hibernation mode and just eat and eat and eat. Then again , my body could be naturally prepping itself for winter and craving more goodies so that I don't freeze my butt off. I need the fat to keep me warm. Hmm...thanks body. You're awesome. I'm going to finish my chocolate chip cookie and cawfee in one PAY-CE.

What I Really Crave

Last month my boyfriend and I went to California and rode the Pacific Coast Highway down to Santa Barbara within a span of 10 days. We visited San Francisco, Santa Cruz, Monterey, Carmel and Santa Barbara. I don't want to say that it was an amazing trip because it undermines the entire experience but in lack of a better word I'm just going to say it was a 'perspective-changing' experience. I've always had a feeling that I was meant to live in California  and envisioned myself moving there immediately. I think my soul belongs there. After being back for a month, I'm still not fully convinced but I find myself daydreaming about the coastline or the peaches I tasted at the farmers market in San Francisco. I'm a big damn hippie. Always have been and always will be and with yoga, organic produce, markets, restaurants, comfortable climate, and all around scenic views, I can't find any reason not to love California ( I'm envisioning San Francisco specifically).

San Francisco is now officially more expensive to live in than New York City. People, it friggin' sucks. It's hard enough to live in New York City. No sense moving across the country, settling down, and try to make a living in a place where you have no friends or family. My boyfriend loved the trip but he has no interest leaving the east coast... at least not yet or anytime soon. Honestly, it bums me out a little. If things were to ever get serious, I don't want to feel confined to the east coast. I guess I'd have to find something to love about Jersey or New York state but I think I'd be super bored. I just know, somewhere in the back of my mind that I am not meant to stay in NYC.I don't want to feel like I'm hustling all the time. I'd like to get on the train one morning and not feel like a warrior. I want to eat peaches that do not taste like Styrofoam.  I can't even stand going into Trader Joes anymore. The thought of buying food there makes my stomach churn.

Joe wherever you are, you need to get it together. Organic, schm-organic. Your produce is slacking.

Besides the produce, I really miss the Pacific blue of the ocean. It really is like no other. If you're accustomed the Seward green of the Hudson or Orchard Beach in the Bronx, than I am truly, truly sorry. The water is supposed to be a reflection of the sky. The reason why the water is a dried-booger green on any given day is beyond me.