I'm Sorry

When I'm in a public restroom and I hear someone in the near by stall fart, sometimes I want to break out of  the verbal silence and tell them that its okay.

Dude I know you were holding your butt cheeks together but one of the gases slipped out. Don't worry its totally cool.  I wont silently judge you when you come out to wash your hands.

Yea I know. Its been weeks since my last post and I'm writing about farting? FUCK YEA.
I'll break the myth right now, women fart. Women fart and they fart a lot. Oh yea and when they do, sometimes it stinks too. You know what's really annoying though? The fact that this is common knowledge. Something you learn while sitting on carpet with your entire class during reading time in kindergarten.

Being a woman, it kind of sucks that you have to pretend that you don't perform the most humane act of our existence. One time, while working for this cash advance company, one of my co-workers mentioned how much he hated girls farting and then bragged how his current girlfriend never farted in front of him. All I kept thinking was that if you stuck a board in between her butt cheeks, she'd probably break it, in half and it would be so precise you would of sworn it went thorough a chain saw. After holding in her fart for three years, she must of had buns of steel. That's impressive. That being said, among all other things, I'm kind of a snob about farting...it needs to be done right.

Okay so before I lose you, here's what I mean. Like with most things, there's a way to release our bodily fluids and gases properly in public like covering your mouth before you sneeze and burp. What I'm trying to introduce to you is the idea of a "fart etiquette". I mean it sort of already exists but it's never talked about. When I'm with my friends, I'm pretty cool about farting. I don't mind if they do it in front of me...unless it sounds like a whoopee cushion. Then we have a problem. Here's the thing about loud farts, if they're not followed by an apology, it rude and obnoxious. Point. Blank. Period. So you're probably upset. What about the first three paragraphs and its implementation of our freedom of farting? Relax dude. You can still fart when and wherever you want. All I'm saying is to control your fart's noise level and if you can't, at least apologize. Nobody wants to smell the digested version of your two-day-old pasta.