Idenity

I don't know. I don't really have anything to complain about. I'm feeling pretty grateful about everything and everyone in my life. Sure, things are probably going haywire everywhere else in the world but everything feels likes it's all mending in a big pot of a good ol' stew called "Danessa's life". Though not much went on, I could say that I had a pretty good weekend attending to myself , thoughts, cleaning, getting my nails done, karate and spending good ol' quality time with my boyfriend. We've been together for almost a year and things just feel..genuine and hassle free. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't all that easy, we've hit a few bumps along the way but by adjusting. getting accustomed, and having a  mutual desire of being together, I feel like we've come up with a best possible equation of making things work.

Things are  pretty awesome with my parents. I'm finally able to help them out with finances and somewhat guide into retirement. The thought of them retiring though, brings a great deal sadness. Luckily, it comes along with just enough happiness that allows me to function on a day-to day basis. It's not that I don't want my parents to retire,  I actually want them to retire right now but if they do, they're headed straight to the motherland. I'm. Not. Ready.

Most of my family lives in D.R. I have some family throughout the tri-state but we've drifted so far apart over the last couple of years that we only really see each other during big family events. My mom, dad and sister are really the only family I  have.  I'm usually at my boyfriends place most of the time so I don't see my parents as often but I'm so accustomed to the feeling of them just being "there"-- physically and emotionally being there, that I'm afraid of losing that feeling forever. It might sound silly but there are some things I know my mom will always do for me, no matter how she feels, like making ginger tea and lemon when I'm sick, cook a big bowl of sancocho when she knows I'm coming home, or pray for me when I'm trying to ace a test or go to a job interview. My parents don't have much but when it comes to the emotional and supporting aspect of a parent, they make me feel wealthy. 

Not sure when they plan on moving but I know the separation will be as painful as wax. Last night, my mother and I had an interesting conversation about our  actual ethnicity. If you know anything about Dominican history,  the race itself is sort of interesting. When you compare Dominican Republic to other nations, the country is fairly new. Its only been around for 200 years. After 500 years of power struggles, Dominicans have different ranges of Spanish, French, African and Taino descent. My mother told me that my great grandfather was a refugee from Italy and had settled in DR with his family when he was seven years old. My great, great grandmother (from  my grandmother's side) was a refugee from Spain who also came with her family.It's got me really thinking:

Where do I really come from? What kind of blood am I carrying? Does it harness my passions?

I think I found a new mission.

The Natural Order.

So I've come to realize that maybe somethings aren't meant to be. I emailed Penn State about a week ago to see about visiting their campus and inquire more about their graduate meteorology program. They told me I could come visit anytime and to email them my transcripts. I went ahead and and scheduled a bus trip through Mega bus and emailed them my transcripts but then I received an email short after that I didn't have sufficient math and science credits for their program.

WAAA WAAA.

My first reaction: Cry. Let those iddie bitties out. No shame in crying. It's not like it was your dream or anything to study the weather...

After some thinking, maybe it was a sign. Maybe it's not my time to go back to school, could be the reason why it's been so difficult all along. The timing is all wrong. So I've relaxed and mentally laid out all my goals and plans. I'm excited to say that I'm finally saving up to buy my own place, hopefully within the next year or two. I'm getting the hang of things at work so maybe I'll stay longer than I intended. I signed up to become a fitness instructor through this free program run by the city's park department called"Shape Up". I started classes last week and I'm honestly super excited to start teaching next year starting January.

AYYYY DON WANNNA BE ANYTHAN' OTHER THAN WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO BE LATELEY

It's weird but I feel like I've mellowed out lately. On all aspects. I've been working out less, been less stringent on food,  I've  been satisfying my cravings a lot more. I wonder if it's the equinox again bringing balance... It's either that or I'm subliminally trying to prep for the holiday meals. I swear it never fails but every year around this time, I gain 10 pounds. All I think about is food like I'm ready to go into hibernation mode and just eat and eat and eat. Then again , my body could be naturally prepping itself for winter and craving more goodies so that I don't freeze my butt off. I need the fat to keep me warm. Hmm...thanks body. You're awesome. I'm going to finish my chocolate chip cookie and cawfee in one PAY-CE.

What I Really Crave

Last month my boyfriend and I went to California and rode the Pacific Coast Highway down to Santa Barbara within a span of 10 days. We visited San Francisco, Santa Cruz, Monterey, Carmel and Santa Barbara. I don't want to say that it was an amazing trip because it undermines the entire experience but in lack of a better word I'm just going to say it was a 'perspective-changing' experience. I've always had a feeling that I was meant to live in California  and envisioned myself moving there immediately. I think my soul belongs there. After being back for a month, I'm still not fully convinced but I find myself daydreaming about the coastline or the peaches I tasted at the farmers market in San Francisco. I'm a big damn hippie. Always have been and always will be and with yoga, organic produce, markets, restaurants, comfortable climate, and all around scenic views, I can't find any reason not to love California ( I'm envisioning San Francisco specifically).

San Francisco is now officially more expensive to live in than New York City. People, it friggin' sucks. It's hard enough to live in New York City. No sense moving across the country, settling down, and try to make a living in a place where you have no friends or family. My boyfriend loved the trip but he has no interest leaving the east coast... at least not yet or anytime soon. Honestly, it bums me out a little. If things were to ever get serious, I don't want to feel confined to the east coast. I guess I'd have to find something to love about Jersey or New York state but I think I'd be super bored. I just know, somewhere in the back of my mind that I am not meant to stay in NYC.I don't want to feel like I'm hustling all the time. I'd like to get on the train one morning and not feel like a warrior. I want to eat peaches that do not taste like Styrofoam.  I can't even stand going into Trader Joes anymore. The thought of buying food there makes my stomach churn.

Joe wherever you are, you need to get it together. Organic, schm-organic. Your produce is slacking.

Besides the produce, I really miss the Pacific blue of the ocean. It really is like no other. If you're accustomed the Seward green of the Hudson or Orchard Beach in the Bronx, than I am truly, truly sorry. The water is supposed to be a reflection of the sky. The reason why the water is a dried-booger green on any given day is beyond me.

Dat Cawfee

Every time I drink coffee, I try to write something or figure out a way to be creative. The problem is that when I do, I find myself not having anything to write about. So I guess I'll write about my coffee addiction. I don't like to depend on anything or anyone. I like to harness, build and create my own establishments; I don't like depending on something/someone to get to a certain point. That being said, I hate the fact that sometimes I need coffee to enjoy everyday life. I'm going to tell you that before I drank half of this coffee, my eyes were feeling dry and heavy. I was in the midst of a headache and my bones were beginning to feel weak. Now, I feel like Mary Poppins in love with life, ready to swift away in a red umbrella and hand everyone homemade organic cookies. I wish I was joking.

Coffee is a 2-hour nap in liquid form. Ever feel like shit before going to sleep than wake up feeling pretty decent? Did you ever feel like you hate your job, life and everyone around you and than take a sip of coffee and find yourself feeling grateful, right after? Coffee is a powerful drug. I'm tried of feeling tired. I want to build my own coffee. From within.

I've recently felt the need to cut back on coffee. Not because of the health effects but because it makes me too damn motivated. I know, it's probably the dumbest reason but let me tell you, I'm doing this for my own good/survival. I've noticed recently that after I drink coffee, I become super motivated and start looking up ways to get myself involved or participate in something. Recently I started thinking about going back to school and the idea has me pretty overwhelmed.

When I was in high school and still dreamed of being a meteorologist, I really wanted to go to Penn State but once I learned about the out-of-state expenses, I cowered and backed out. I decided to stay in the city, let the government pay for my education and went to Hunter to become an English major because I had "some" interest in writing. I don't regret going to Hunter but I do feel myself going back to weather every time. It's always been a childhood dream of mine and frankly every time I think about my sister telling people how I used to predict the weather when I was younger, it puts a smile on my face. Now it sounds all fine and dandy to resume and follow my dreams  but in doing so, I would leave every aspect of my New York City life behind. If  you read my last post, there's really nothing much about New York that I'll miss besides my family and boyfriend, whom I love very much. I also have a fairly decent and stable job , which I  just kind of started and pays pretty well. Lord, I'm going to have a lot of debt :(.

This is definitely something that I'd have to sit down, think long and hard about. Discuss it with my loved ones and see what they say. Ugh, I just want to sit under a tree by the grass and take a bite of juicy California peach.

Stale

 When I walk home from work and make my way to the front steps of my building, every step is filled with anxiety. As soon as I get off 50th street on the 1 train, it's a hustle. I'm racing against everything and everyone. I'm racing the tourists, the yellow cab that sees me but presses on the gas anyway, the employees that see nothing but the train station in the corner, the pedicabs that deny that they're useless and the collective group of tourists and natives that are being drawn to the 9th avenue drinking scene.  I wish that Hell's Kitchen was literally Hell's Kitchen so that no one would ever visit, make an effort to find authentic (and good) Thai food elsewhere and bombard another bar strip so that 5pm on a Wednesday, I can walk home with more than a shoulder width of space and get to the front steps of my building without feeling like a serial killer. 

People often mention that I'm "lucky" for growing up in a vibrant neighborhood with little crime, access to just about every mode of NYC transportation and endless dining options. I will not lie, every time I leave the city I go through a bit of a subway withdrawal. My boyfriend lives in the butt crack of Forest Hills and I say that with every ounce of irritation and admiration conditioned  in my body for the the last 9 months. He has this wonderful spacious apartment on the top floor of his building with beautiful panoramic views of the expressway and park. In NYC standards, its pretty secluded and the area for the most part, is residential, peaceful and quiet. It's the main reason why I'm there 5-6 days of the week but if there's one thing that drives me insane is how far it is from the train station. The Q23 bus stop is a 5 minute walking distance and the bus ride itself to the train is about 10 minutes, giving you about  20 minutes to get from the house to the train (if the bus is running on schedule). The train ride itself isn't too bad being that you have two express trains (E and F) to choose from, getting you to the city under 20 minutes. Again I'm giving you the scenario of a good running schedule that runs NONE of the time. Sorry to go on a tangent here but if there is one thing I need to rant about, its the MTA system. So the E and F train run on separate lines in Manhattan, but after some point in Queens, they both run express under one track. On occasion they run smoothly but most of the time, especially during rush hour, the distance feels like inches as they crawl into the next train stop. On the weekend the trains run local for "track work" aka the two day party for track workers. Two weeks ago, I was stuck on the F train for an hour and a half. As usual  an "earlier incident" was causing major delays on the F line. I remember stepping onto the train around 5:50 and getting to Queens around 7:30. I think my hair was standing up. I had just got out of hot yoga and was so hungry and exhausted that I was ready to eat and flop-slap an MTA worker (I had no strength in my arms). I met up with my boyfriend, who was also on the same train and immediately cursed out his borough and the damn train system. "Dassit!" I yelled. "I'm fucking done with Queens and the trains. I'm moving out of the city". He then asked me if I wanted to get drinks...and then the rest was history.

I've lived my entire life in Hell's Kitchen and though it wasn't the greatest neighborhood growing up, I admit that living a few blocks from Times Square, the almighty heart of the city,  gave me somewhat  of a privileged childhood. I never had to worry about coming home late at night. Pharmacies were always open and because my neighbors were white, the area was always taken care of but I think I'm done.  I think it's time that  I move to somewhere less agitating; somewhere I can keep my blood pressure balanced.

Sometimes I dream of the breeze in my grandparents house in the 'Loma', swirving up through  the avocado trees  down to the plantation below. Breathing is so much different in the 'Loma'. When you inhale, you feel your lungs expanding, in full capacity with crisp, fresh air. Struggle-free. If you're somewhere in the city, try inhaling and immediately notice how stale the air is. In the city, I can't help but feel like I'm getting jipped when I breathe.

I'm not Crying, I'm Cleansing.

I don't want to feel that I need to 'cleanse' anymore, I want to sit in my spiritual, emotional and digestive shit. Yea. Pretty gross but I'm tired of feeling that in order to see changes within myself, I need to rid my body all the negative energy and physical waste. I'm tired of re-emerging. Every time I go through something, whether it'd be a bad break up, weight gain or sudden mood changes, I go through a body clean up. I start blasting Adele, drink masses of water, enroll in a new class and sweat...ALOT.

This time I'm going to do things differently, I'm going to start listening to my body. I give myself restrictions because I fear that I might over binge or overload but I think I have pretty good discipline. I'm sick of thinking that if I don't control myself, that I'll go crazy. I don't think that is necessarily true. I'm an emotional being but through creative outlets, I've found balance.

I'm really sensitive and trying to hold back the urge to cry when I'm upset is very difficult and when I do, I feel self-defeated like I wasn't strong enough to deal but when I think about all the situations I've been in, crying was one of the best things I did. I realized that it's that last moment, when you blink and nothing follows the last tear. When you're huffing and puffing because you're lungs can no longer stretch at full capacity and your head and sinuses start to pound; knocking sense into you, one beat at a time and like the green line on the monitor, after the heart has been at rest,  your mind in chorus screams:

FUCK THIS. FUCK THIS SHIT. FUCK YOU. FUCK EVERYBODY. FUCK THESE SHEETS. FUCK THIS HEAT.

And when you're done cursing out every atom in existence, you go on your way with new self-generated wisdom-- and honestly that is the best type of wisdom. See, the more you listen to all that watered down/ cliche bullshit your friends try to feed you, because they lack experience of their own its like feeding Splenda to your soul.

When my mother speaks and passes me down her advice like recipes, I'm instantly hungry. I realize that I am her solider. When someone breaks my daughter's heart for the very first time, I hope to assemble the pieces together with words my mother recited to me,

A man can never love a woman as much as woman loves a man. You know why? Because women are maternal; the genesis of their existence is nurture and love

Remember that porcelain is fragile but very valuable. A good person will handle it with lots of love and care because they know how much they're worth.

Seeking the Golden Ratio

I'm tired of aging. Is that possible? I hate that I'm no longer interested in things that I used to love. There was a point where my Nintendo 3DS was my trusty sidekick now I rather at look pins on Pinterest than embarking on another Pokemon quest. I think that I still have hope. I played Super Mario World the other day and was filled with age-less joy so what the hell? Why do I keep finding more streaks of white hair and drinking more red wine? I know that with age, I'm becoming wise, intellectual and eloquent but some part of me wants to remain dumb and naive, knowing that the world will forgive me when I am ignorant. I'm not scared of getting older because I am not afraid of death. Death is not black. It is not breathless. It is not still. It is not cold nor senseless. Death is a period of transition, from one life form to the other. We age and decay because it is the nature of our bodies but I'd like think that our intangible conscious, passing through and though, is always growing and evolving. Like suns, our chemistry is brimming with energy until there is no fuel left. Our bodies will give into gravity and again, like the sun, the molecules and gas that form our collage, spread into the universe. It's nice to know that no matter how selfish our personality may seem, deep down in our pits, the core will always be giving.

I miss writing about being passionate. I miss writing about my goals and future plans. I miss writing about the new paths I've taken and the ones I returned too. I've been in a weird kind of funk lately. I feel as if I'm waiting to have an epiphany again; some sort of realization why my existence is important but why do I constantly have to validate myself; my entire existence. What's wrong with just existing? Because at the end of the day, I want to do more than just breathe. In this city of cells, I want to be the one mutation that changes everything.

My interests are constantly evolving and transitioning from one thing to the other. Karate, writing, art, hurricanes, astronomy and baking are on the top of my interests. Creativity (writing, art and baking), nature (hurricanes and astronomy) and discipline (karate) are all assembled into my genetic code. I've realized any topics, ideas and/or theme among these fields are going to pull me like gravity. When I'm upset, angry, sad or in a clusterfuck of the three, I find myself walking to the Hudson, central park or anything close to scenic. The weird thing is that sometimes it doesn't make me feel better but I feel compelled to be there, like something mechanical diving me there. I fucking think A LOT. About? Everything like... Is Osama really dead? What changes the wind direction every 2-7 years in the Pacific? Why are all my cousins taking booty self-ies on a daily basis? When will weed become legal? Where are the minorities going to go when gentrification starts to spread in other communities? Will there ever be a de-gentrification? Am I going miss my period when I finally hit menopause? IT. NEVER. STOPS.  If this makes any sense, sitting in silence by the water or tall green grass makes me feel like if I'm "airing out" my head.

I'm not sure if I'm the only one who does this but sometimes I find myself wishing it was a specific year again. Not because anything significant happened but because I crave the ambiance. Sometimes I wish it was 2004 again. I can't tell you anything special about 2004, besides the fact that it was an election year and Bush won again but in some weird way, I remember feeling 'safe' in all aspects of the word; not able or likely to be hurt or harmed in any way. I remember my head feeling light on the pillow and before and after I closed my eyes, it was just black and nothing else.