Like most people, I have insecurities, maybe more than others. I'm a perfectionist and strive to be the best at everything that I do. Within the last year or so, I've gotten better but I've always been extremely hard on myself, especially when I don't stand out. I'm not saying that I like to be the center of attention...ok that's a lie. Sometimes I do. I'm a woman and admit that sometimes my self-worth and esteem is tied into the amount of attention that I receive. In order to feel satisfied with my wardrobe choice and/or remain sane for an entire day, I need to get hit on at least once or else I think 3 things:
1. I gained weight
2. I look like a man (I have big arms and don't like to expose the "guns")
3. I became ugly and like a sickness, it's incurable.
At this point, you can think whatever your want. I wont get offended just just don't tell me. I'm using this entry like a therapy session and I need to get this negativity out like phlegm. So what's the negativity? Yesterday I got into a argument with the guy I'm dating. We were talking and tip-toeing around religion. I should of known better. Religion is like the grenade of conversations. I mentioned how my uncle and his family were evangelists and how they've seen some pretty crazy things, like people getting possessed and stuff. He mentioned that the religion sounded like a cult and that he thought they were all lunatics. I knew that he was referring to evangelists in general but it still applied to my family so I got offended. I didn't say anything and carried on the conversation. He mentioned how the church he used to go, everyone would stand and hold candles and he felt that it was a fire hazard because everyone was crammed together. I think he called them fucking crazy or something but mind you he's from Long Island, so he's saying this with a Long Island accent and it sounded pretty aggressive. I told him that I thought he was being a bit harsh and judge mental. He blew up. He said that he was tired of me calling him judge mental and that I disagree with him for the sake of disagreeing. He then said I was condescending, judge mental, insensitive, naive, and I thought I was perfect. The strange thing was, it didn't offend me at all. Like at all. It was his tone that really irked me; that heavy, male, aggressive, Long Island accent. Even though he's pretty smart, I can't help but associate him with an ignorant meat head.
So I've been thinking a lot about this. Maybe I've been subconsciously condescending because I refuse to agree with someone who speaks like that. Come to think of it, if he said " I don't give a fuck who you are, if you harm an innocent animal, you deserve to go to jail" , I think I would find a way to disagree with it even though its essentially within the same moral values that I have.
I'm pretty sensitive so I'm pretty shocked that it didn't bother me when he pretty much said I was a snob. In some aspects it was like, I know...and? I'm not sure how I feel about accepting that. Is this the type of person that I want to be? Someone who judges the shit out of everything, everyone and know that I'm still above them/it? I kind of do. Is that fucked up? Growing up, I was extremely shy. I avoided attention and never participated in class. Blending in became a skill. I never thought anything that I said or did was good enough and to save myself from the embarrassment, I did everything that I could to not be called out. I didn't want to stand out.
Growing up, I had really low self esteem. I didn't think I was pretty or average looking. I identified myself as being ugly. One of my most painful memories is rubbing Pond cream on my face while sobbing hoping that it would make me beautiful...man that's fucking depressing. I try to remember that on a 5 year interval. When I went to high school, I was towards the end of puberty ( I developed pretty young). I started getting attention from the boys in class or some of the older students. I remember being confused at first. Why are they "psssting" at me? Eventually I realized that I was attractive, became an attention whore and it was all down hill from there. Being recognized gave me a feeling of self worth and purpose, as if I had reason.
Don't worry. I found other things that made me feel more than the last number of pi. Since I was younger, I've always been facisnated by the weather, especially hurricanes and ocean climate. I'm trying to get my masters in atmospheric science and I hope to go into research but even if I change my mind in the future (brace yourself this is going to sound super hippi-esh), I know that my main purpose in life is to make a difference in the world. I think I might of been a tree in my past life or a leaf wedged into a rock for millions of years. When I dig my toes into the ground, I feel a connection that goes beyond gravity.
Okay, where the fuck the I'm going with this. This is the part where the therapist willgesture with his/her head, lets wrap this up.
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