On the Axis

It wasn't until I spoke to a friend of mine the other day when I realized that Fall is the beginning period for most things.  The equinoxes are transition periods between warmer and colder weather and essentially the beginning of change. As the the earth transitions to a new found balance, I find it hard for it not to affect us emotionally and physically. Come to think of it, when I ended my last relationship, it was right before spring and I remember feeling a snap in my brain, almost as if it was being leveled. It was the first time that I said to myself, I deserved to be loved. Now I think most of us can agree and say that we deserve to be loved but for me, it was more of an observation than a belief. Three years prior to ending our relationship, we struggled with communication, maintaining interest and when I found out he cheated on me two years ago (wow, feels pretty good to admit this) I felt like it was all my fault, like if I wasn't good looking enough to withstand his sexual preference.

I didn't know any better back then so we decided to stick it out and work on our relationship. We actually had a great year together until he admitted one day that he wasn't sure about his feelings for me. I think I might of twitched a little....what? That was the first time that I realized that my bullshit-o-meter had a limit...and it was toppling. 

After 8 years of putting up with our bullshit (mostly yours) you still have to think about being in love with me? Go fuck yourself asshole, literally. If you want some definition in your left arm, I suggest switching your jerk-off hand, otherwise try not catch asthma after I leave you in the fucking dust...

I didn't say any of that but trust me, when my throat itches I know it's the burden. I still feel the words bouncing in lung space. As frustrated as I was, the idea of being single was pretty exciting. Nerve wrecking but exciting. This may sound a little sad, but I've only been in one relationship. I couldn't get over the fact that I was 24 and had nothing to compare good sex to. Talk about your quarter-life crisis.

Break ups are hard...or maybe I assumed them to be. I think I might of  used my last relationship as a security blanket. Shit, he might of too..but it doesn't matter. It wasn't too long till I found myself craving new skin and when I did, I gave myself a good pat on the back.

And here I am, back at the equinox. Counting the orange leaves like sheep. I often feel tired and overwhelmed balancing karate, school, work and social life but like the axis, my mind is leveled. I find it hard to be sad or upset for a long period of time and when I do, it's usually hormonal. It's strange, I couldn't be more happier in my life.